Sometimes I Cry

By AH

My daughter’s smile weighs heavy on my heart
So heavy that I’m sitting here crying in the dark
Repeatedly telling myself, “Twon, you should have tried harder”
“Twon, you should have been a better father”
I mean I was so into the street life
That I couldn’t see how my actions were affecting my child’s life
Was I that caught up that I forgot my own daughter’s worth?
You see I know I messed up and it hurts
There is no excuse I can give her to explain my absence
Yet I still need for her to understand all that was happening
From my hungry days to my lonely nights
I want her to get a good picture of my life
In the hope that she will believe my truth and not the world’s lies
I am not afraid to say that
Sometimes I cry

7 Comments

  1. Doug on July 9, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    A powerful and honest poem. One of the best I’ve read because it is so moving.

  2. CP on July 9, 2015 at 8:20 PM

    AH-

    This poem is very moving and heartfelt. I hope that your daughter can read this, perhaps then she will understand all of the conflicting emotions that you feel and she will know that there are external factors, which she may be too young to understand, that led you to where you are. The line where you say: “Repeatedly telling myself, “Twon, you should have tried harder”/
    “Twon, you should have been a better father”
    is particularly resonant…through your poems and your words, you are reaching out to your daughter and speaking to her.
    I hope that she hears you. Keep writing.

    -CP

  3. Sarah S on July 26, 2015 at 3:19 PM

    I love this poem because it is so raw and painful and then, at the end, you realize– there is so much potential. I hope you see that. You are mature enough to understand the consequences your previous actions had, but you (and your daughter) are young enough that you have time to turn this around. Sometimes regret can be a positive emotion because it makes you realize you need to change your actions. What I hear in this poem is that you messed up, and now you have the opportunity to turn things around– an opportunity that not everyone gets. Your daughter is young enough that you will be able to give her “a good picture of [your] life” and help her to “understand [your] truth” before she hears “the world’s lies.” As you say, she doesn’t need excuses, she needs you to step up now and be better than you were before, and eventually, when she’s older, she needs to understand why you did what you did and why she should not make the same mistakes. It sounds to me like you have a second chance. I hope you take it.

  4. Brian on August 4, 2015 at 2:23 PM

    Dear AH,

    My name is Brian and I am an English teacher living in Washington, D.C. Thank you for sharing this poem. I have a young daughter – she’s two and a half years old. One of my biggest fears in life is that I may do something to disappoint her. Though this may fill me with worry, it is also healthy, because (1) I recognize that I am indeed capable of disappointing her if I make a mistake and (2) if I imagine myself disappointing her, if I feel that pain, I can do whatever I can to prevent that from happening.

    You express your pain so eloquently and passionately in this poem. But you bravely acknowledge that this pain can be put to good use. That the memories of your mistakes can allow you to be a force for good in your daughter’s life, and in the world. There is plenty of time to make that change. The fact that you are able to put your pain in writing, and then to share it, to spread it outward, is a sign that you are ready to turn the corner.

    You want your daughter to “believe your truth and not the world’s lies.” What a powerful idea. Your truth, you suggest, is that sometimes you cry. What a beautiful acknowledgement of vulnerability. To be able to show the world that we are capable of feeling pain, of enduring it, and then expressing it – this is really important. And in this way you will defeat the lies that the world will want to tell about you, whatever they may be. Speak your truth, share your pain. You’ve got the formula for brighter days. Keep following it!

  5. Salma on September 22, 2015 at 12:21 AM

    -AH

    Honestly that was very powerful. It’s hard enough that we hurt ourselves but the ones that we love, well that hurts even more. Knowing that they do care about you and disappointing them… I know how that feels.

    But writing this poem just shows how strong you are AH because you acknowledge your mistake. You know what you have done and using your pain to help you motivate yourself to do better, which will help your daughter see the truth.

    Keep writing how you feel and you won’t be afraid to say you sometimes cry. As a matter of fact, it might even help you to stop crying sometimes.

    Keep being strong and I wish you the best.

    -ST

  6. Reid on January 22, 2016 at 7:30 PM

    Can only hope that a daughter’s big smile is waiting for you.

  7. Rachael Sandri on March 11, 2016 at 4:32 PM

    Hi AH,

    Your poem is stunning. Thank you for sharing it. The lines that resonated with me the most were “There is no excuse” and “I am not afraid to say that / Sometimes I cry”. I think it is so brave to embrace your truth unconditionally, even and especially when you have made mistakes or are reduced to tears.

    Please keep writing. I would love to read more of your work.

    Your fan,

    Rachael

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