Poem: “Victorious”
Victorious
I’m sittin’ here chillin, thinkin’
about the past. All the stuff I’ve been
through, some thought I wouldn’t last.
I’m still standing, I’ve overcome
many obstacles, I see
success and I smell it all in my nostrils.
It’s mandated, this thing is
like non-optional, something to push
against when these haters insist on knockin’
you! Aggressively pressin’ forward you
can’t ignore it, finessin’ you lyrically
can’t help but support it. I’m in
a lane of my own and I can’t be
topped. I’m standin’ firm like a pillar
and yes I’m as strong as an ox.
So versatile that I can’t be stuffed in a box.
My views are universal, no longer
left in the dark. Can’t be afraid or timid,
gotta be sure, keep raisin’ the bar
because I know I’m deserving of more.
I’ma keep on knockin’ until they open
the door and see what’s arrived
watch their chins drop to the floor.
Yeah, I made it, endured what you could bring.
I’m tested and tried so give me my champion’s ring.
I dare to dream so I see the best
is yet to come. I’m about to rise,
and shine, just like the sun. Never been
one to run from a battle, I hold it down.
Toe to toe, blow for blow and round
for found. Divinely inspired I’m destined
for greatness indeed. If you can’t
seem to find the way, just follow my lead.
I’m on top, give me my props,
and home stand down. In case you don’t
notice partner, I’m the man now.
2 Comments
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This poem is pretty amazing! I love the positivity for change and success, and the confidence you exude for claiming that success. Having a goal and succeeding in reaching that goal is certainly something you must not only dream about but something you must actually see as your reality, and then stand strong, immovable and undeterred, as you make your way to that reality. I sense in your poem this is exactly what you are doing. With this state of mind, you are and will continue to be victorious in overcoming the obstacles in your path. I really like the passage that your success is “mandated” and “something to push against” when you are being challenged by obstacles you “can’t ignore”. Continue to stand firm and at each victory, keep raising the bar for your success.
In terms of the style and text, everything flowed well for me except the passage “Toe to toe, blow for blow and round for found.” I am curious whether you meant “round for round” and if not, what you mean by “round for found.” Perhaps an additional quick sentence could help clarify your meaning.
Keep up the good work and stay strong!
This poem has a really powerful rhythm to it that got me going right away and carried me through to the end. The alternating rhyme scheme is punctuated by the brief phrasing that makes the poem feel like a rap, or like punches thrown in a boxing match. In fact, that boxing metaphor that’s explored later in the poem could be brought up near the top in order to front-load this idea in the reader’s mind as they’re reading the poem.
I really enjoyed the concrete details used throughout the poem. The author could have just said vague things like “I’m going to be strong, I’m going to keep pushing ahead.” Instead, we get gritty, real details like “I smell it in my nostrils,” or “my champion’s ring.”
Something that I found really interesting about this poem is that it makes extensive use of similes that could be called cliches: firm like a pillar, strong as an ox, rise and shine just like the sun, left in the dark, destined for greatness… If any one of these appeared in another poem, I would point at it and say that the author was leaning on the crutch of a cliche. But in this poem, where they’re strung together one after another like punches in a boxing match, it feels like its taking something tired and making it fresh and exciting. I really like it! I’ve got to give props to the author for breaking a rule and making it work.
The very beginning of the poem is a little weak. A poem that is this powerful needs to start out strong. I would completely cut the first three lines, and start with that first image of still standing, smelling successin my nostrils.
Definitely an exciting poem – it gets your blood pumping and your energy up. Normally when you read a poem, you expect it to be quiet and thoughtful. I was pleasantly surprised to find this to be a poem that was energetic and exciting.