Freaky House of Pain (6)
Life is so stressing
And when I was in society I was lost
But now as I’m sitting in my cell
I realize I have a future
It’s something in life that’s going to help me fight
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this poem is simple but effective, I liked the way it’s written. It’s like the first 2 lines are about the past, the middle line is about the present, and the last 2 lines are about moving on, which is clever… nice work
The poem is nice – short and sweet with an uplifting message. Good work.
I like the title – it drew my attention as I was trying to decide which one to read first. Also, the internal rhyme in the last line (life/fight) and the rhythm of it are a good way to close a poem, especially a short one. Could you add a couple lines explaining why you feel you have more of a future as you’re sitting in your cell than when you were in society? It’s a cool concept, kind of ironic, but as someone who grapples with alcoholism, I kind of know what you mean. You can feel liberated in that weird in-between time when you’re being punished for your wrongs (withdrawal symptoms sure feel like punishment) and looking forward to atonement. Just a few more lines on that would be good – not too many, though, if you still want to keep this a solid, short poem!
But, I do have to say, there’s something to me, as the reader, not knowing exactly what that feeling is. One of my English teachers once said about Japanese poetry, that the Japanese are more comfortable talking about snivel, tears and all the other stuff that happens in powerful emotion, but are uncomfortable naming the actual emotion itself. American writing is just the opposite, more comfortable talking about emotions but it shrinks away from mentioning bodily fluids like snot and tears. He then said the part of it that stuck: “But, is it so strange, the Japanese perspective? You know that the poet’s ‘heart is heavy,’ but not why – isn’t it enough that it is heavy? It’s like seeing someone crying on a bus or a train. You’ll never know why, but do you really need to?” So, if you’re going for that effect by not naming it, that’s cool too.
hey i like your poem
keep up dha good work
You will have a good future just keep believeing.
This Poem Is Really Efective If To Me Cuz Im A Freshman In High School.
keep your head held high dont give up and keep dreaming of a better life
Keep You Head Held High, Keep On Dreaming Becuase One Day It Wil Become REAL!
everybody have a futuer even you have one so dont let nobody tell you dont have one just keep ur head up in walk in ur own line
i knoe thats rite because half the people i knoe would of gave up but you keep goin cause i have a problem wher i loose my memory i get in to fights easily i get upset easy you should rite everyday allday anyday just knoe if you need a person to talk to im here quisean makenzie mitchell will be here in school so i seen love and support to YOU
You’ve said a lot in a few short words.
Well done. Sometimes less is better.
Thank you for sharing this! sometimes we need to sit still and shut the noise out to realize who we are and what we can accomplishment. You have so much potential. Keep writing!
KC